Postpartum Depression: A Dad's View

This came across my email from www.postpartum.net and I wanted to share it with everyone. Too often we forget to address the family and Dad's are left on the sideline trying to decipher their role and emotions. The above website is linked to ours and I highly recommend visiting for current info on the subject for all family members?

By Derek Trlica

Being stressed out is normal for new parents. Most of the time, what we're stressed out about is just that: simple stress. But sometimes, there's more to it than just that. Sometimes, our stress relates to more emotional issues.

On the night my wife and I learned she was pregnant, the first thing I did was run to the computer and research fetal alcohol syndrome. I couldn't stop thinking about those four little glasses of wine my wife had drunk during a recent wine-tasting trip to Walla Walla. I was deep into WebMD when she said, "Hello? Can we, you know, connect and be happy about having a baby?" All I said was, "In a minute."

Thus began a unique and surprising journey for me, one that I'm still on. More than just figuring out how to raise a child, it has involved going deep into myself to confront some of the fundamental assumptions I have about who I am as a man.

Fatherhood has been one of the richest, most rewarding experiences I've ever had. It has also been the most challenging. Besides the real-world overwhelm and stress of caring for a baby, there have been more abstract worries - things like being a father and husband who is able to protect and provide for my family.

These worries can easily turn into terrifying imaginary scenarios, usually involving me having to shield my daughter from some sort of boogeyman, and of failing. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I can get scary, post-apocalyptic type fantasies. (I once caught myself thinking, "What kind of lousy father will you be when you can't keep your daughter safe from the flesh-eating zombies? You suck!")

In addition to this, I'm also deluged with worries about money, career, spousal support, attachment parenting, sex, self-care, college educations, vaccinations, future boyfriends, mental and physical exhaustion, and voices saying, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"

It's enough to pull me into a deep black hole of fear and paralysis.

But of course, I don't want to be paralyzed. In fact, I'm shouldn't be paralyzed - not if my forefathers' voices have anything to say about it. Like most men, my father taught me that action is paramount, especially when it comes to protecting and providing for the family. "Stop your whining," I tell myself. "Get off your butt and do something!"

A real man would. A real man wouldn't get frozen when it comes to keeping his family safe. He would get up, roll a cigarette, and blow those zombies bastards to hell before the coffee's even cold. Family safe, job done.

So now, here is my black hole of overwhelming fear - and there is my brittle, shaming resistance to getting sucked into it. And I'm caught in to the middle, feeling like I'm being drawn & quartered.

It's a perfect storm of anxiety and tension.

The trick is that I don't always know it's happening, however. Sometimes the anxiety can simply appear as a black mood or a sleepless night. During those moments, all I know is that I feel totally crummy.

What's more, this is all in the midst of a larger experience of utter love, awe, and delight at this beautiful being who has come into our lives. (How disconcerting it is to be so in love and so stressed out at the same time.) It's all so confusing!

Although at times I felt like the first man ever to feel insecure about becoming a father, part of me has wondered if other fathers experienced these feelings, too. After checking around, I've learned that many new fathers feel isolated and underconfident. I can't tell you how helpful this has been, to understand that lots of fathers probably share some degree of what I've gone through.

What's sad, however, is that many men don't realize they aren't alone. To many fathers, a black mood is simply a black mood. And maybe it is. But guys don't tend to examine their emotional underpinnings -- probably due to the stoic, silent fathering many of us received -- and too many fathers suffer quietly and just try to keep going.

Fortunately, this is changing, if the growing number of resources for fathers -- websites, books, support groups -- is an indication. This is cool, because it reflects and encourages men's interest in being more intentional with how they show up as a parent.

Learning to take responsibility is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. For me, it has involved facing my demons on a more fundamental level than ever before.

On nights when I tell myself that I can't fail my daughter even though I probably will, "taking responsibility" means looking beyond the fears and seeing the doubts that hold them up. It means relaxing into the anxiety, so that I can deal with what's underneath. If I can do this, then maybe I'll be able to teach her how to do it for herself.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. Some men have leftover issues with their own fathers that get in the way of being a dad. Others have unresolved emotional wounds that are suddenly triggered by a baby's arrival. Still other guys get freaked out thinking that their old pre-baby life of more freedom and less responsibility is gone forever. There's also a host of situational stuff that bring unique experiences, like whether it's a boy or a girl, how many other kids there already are, blended families, if the baby is sick or healthy, etc.

No matter what the unique expectations, reactions, and conditions, baggage is baggage is baggage. Leaving difficult emotions unaddressed can prevent a man from really showing up with his child.

For children, having a parent who is present and attuned is every bit as vital as food and shelter. It's what helps a child develop a stable sense of self, which is another way of saying he or she is "well-adjusted." I don't know any parents who don't want that for their kids. For a father, dealing with his emotions as a way of helping his child might just be the most important thing he can do.

Don't suffer alone. One of the most important things I've learned is that fathers need to connect with other fathers. Talking to my wife and family helped, but what helped the most was talking with other guys who were in the same spot. They're the ones who really got it. And being understood by others who know exactly how I feel has been a powerful agent to get me through the tough moments.

Resources for new and expecting fathers (from Derek Trlica)

Groups
For expecting fathers, a great place to start is a two-hour class called "Conscious Fathering" that discusses what dads can learn about "how to meet baby's cycle of care, [and] learn a framework for solid fathering." Developed by Bernie Dorsey, it is offered monthly at lots of area hospitals.
There's also a group in Bellevue called "Father's First Steps." It's a six-week course led by Joe Butler that focuses on "helping new dads form attached relationships with their babies.
"Intentional Dads is the name of the group that I lead. It's a drop-in group for new and expecting dads to come and talk about their experience. We offer support for the stress, strategies for handling difficult situations, and ideas for making it a fun, positive experience.


Websites
Just plug in "fathers", "fatherhood", or any variation into Google, and you'll find an endless parade of sites dedicated to fatherhood.
I like Fathers.com for its breadth. Fatherville. com has a wide variety of articles for just about any kind of father. InteractiveDadMagaz ine.com focuses on many areas of the fathering experience.
I'm also building an online community with resources, referrals, and boards for discussions and feedback at IntentionalDads. com.
If you or any father you know could be suffering from Male Postpartum Depression, there's a site out called PostpartumMen. com where you can find specific resources and help. Although there's a survey to assess symptoms, only a thorough evaluation by a professional can diagnose a mood disorder.


Books
My favorite book of dad essays is "Pacify Me: A Handbook for the Freaked-Out New Dad" by Chris Mancini.
A really good self-help fatherhood book is "Coaching for Fatherhood: Teaching Men New Roles in Life" by Lewis Epstein.
Another personal favorite is "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Workings of Mindful Parenting" by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn.